What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
10.06.2025 12:07
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I have no regrets .
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
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My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Comes on , in middle age.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
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Another so called friend had bit the dust..
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
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Put me off passion for life!!
I don,t even have a pension.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Why did i forgive my father ?
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I was seconnd youngest,
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Isn't it a turn on to have sex with a girl in a skirt or in a tight spandex?
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
She was in good health!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
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It was going to be , some day.
One cannot live in the past .
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
But, we were locked up after school.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
He resisted the act ,that day.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
But it wasn’t much.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I waited trembling.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
All the time i was locked up.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
She wouldn,t have been !
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
What did i know ?
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Im still living with it.
She found it foreign!.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I was scared of men, in general
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I think the readers, may guess!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I said to her
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I write beautiful poetry .
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I was 9 years of age.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
He knew the spot.
(And it was in our own minds.)
And i lived it daily.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I was very sick at this time too.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I will be 64.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
She loved him until the end.
We were not on the streets..
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
My life is so biszare .
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
When she asked me how she looked .
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I never cut or harmed myself..
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
This is soul school!.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Ive learnt so much.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I could never make a relationship work though!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
So, i spoilt her more .
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
She married twice! .
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
As i do to all so called friends.?
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Who then, do I blame.?
I had hoped to write a book about this .
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
My family never makes their pension either.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
We all went to grammer schools
So whats the point in blame.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Would this be the day?
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..